Men have lived upon the Earth for thousands of years. We have constructed buildings of unimaginable complexity and beauty, we have traveled great distances into the cosmos in order to appease our unending curiosity of our place in the universe and men have fought numerous wars that shed the blood of their fellow man in order to guard their belief in unalienable freedoms. And through these times men have always lived by a strict code of conduct.
- Never leave a man behind unless he’s with a hot woman or he’s sober enough to hail a cab.
- Never welch on a bet.
- Never sleep with another man’s ex unless getting the OK from said man before hand. So in simple terms, never sleep with another man’s ex.
- Free beer is for drinking and not for complaining about brand selection.
- And under no circumstances outside of another guy setting either you or your mother on fire are you allowed to kick/punch/throw something at another man’s testicles.
With today’s release of Madden 2009, I think it’s about time somebody laid down the “Man Code for Madden.” Douchebags and dirty players alike have been running amuck for too long now and I think it’s high time someone laid down some ground rules for the most popular sports game since RBI Baseball.
1. Never run the clock out
This is what is refer to in the sports gaming community as a “bitch move.” I’m not talking about using a specific play or plays to actually burn time off the clock, because that’s just game management and good coaching. I’m talking the score is 23-20 with a minute and half left and someone is using the kneel button to run out the clock.
First of all there shouldn’t even be a kneel-down button because it’s garbage and unfathomably insulting to any opponent that isn’t the computer. It’s especially insulting when the opponent has mounted and epic fourth quarter comeback, only to have Matt Hasselback take a knee three consecutive times inside his own 20. A move like this is grounds for a prison style beating after the clock runs out and depending on the situation, if you take a loss like this then the next time you play you are within your rights to remove the off-sides penalty when your opponent goes to get another beer and then when he least expects it, you get a running start and completely blow up Hasselbeck before he even snaps the ball. Just lay him out. I’m talking a helmet to helmet contact that would make Troy Aikman forget where he was just by watching it.
You don’t have to pass, you can run any play from the Goal Line package, but you cannot kneel down under any circumstances.
2. Don’t use the Patriots unless you are:
A) In the top 1% of New England Patriot fans
B) You’ve never played before and your opponent has a distinct experience advantage
C) Your opponent has picked one of the All-Time-All-Madden Teams
The only thing that John Madden has more of a hard-on for than Brett Favre is the New Enlgand Patriots. Look, I know Tom Brady is a good quarterback and the Patriots have always been a solid team (that knew the other teams plays) with an above average defense, but the video game Pats are the equivalent to Tecmo Bo.
Impossible is their M.O. Every Brady pass is on a rope to his inconceivably adept receivers and every small defensive mistake turns into a 85 yard touchdown. Every time your QB holds the ball more than 4 seconds you get sacked and every ball over the middle is intercepted by Mike Vrabel. Look, until last year, Brady couldn’t be considered THAT good and he still isn’t THAT good.
But, it’s been this way for the last 5 damn years. The only way to counter the smothering monstrosity that is the Madden Patriots is to use Peyton Manning’s laser rocket arm or to use dog fighter extraordinaire Mike Vick to scramble past a line backing corps that is a combined 387 years old. Now that Vick is behind bars (I’m assuming there aren’t any prison teams on Madden 09) the only fair match-up is Pats is vs. Colts or the oft overlooked Pats vs. Pats. Otherwise you’re just being a dick.
So unless your truly uber fan #1, have named his kid Bruschi, have a Pats tattoo somewhere on your body, are related to someone in the Kraft family, or are playing against Peyton Manning, do us all a favor and please pick another team.
3. Hazing/harassing/embarrassing an opponent who has obviously been beer bonging Jose Quervo all night is uncalled for and unsportsmanlike
Although you are not required by man code to take it easy on him in lieu of his intoxication level, you should keep the comments and criticism to a semi-professional level. This means no jabs at his employment status, his sister’s promiscuity, or the fact that he in fact has the hand eye coordination of a nine year old girl during a dizzy bat race.
This is of course unless you yourself have been partaking in Jager Bombs all night. Then it’s known that the playing field’s been leveled out and one should show no mercy in letting your inebriated opponent know why Eli Manning is still a fluke and a failure.
4. Instant Replay is off-limits
Nobody wants to see watch their futility in super slow motion, no matter how awesome you think the play was. Under no circumstances should you make your opponent endure a slow-motion recap of how much they suck at video football. Not only does it screw up the flow of the game, it’s also just insulting. You didn’t actually make that tackle/throw/catch and you’re not a professional sports analyst, so spare me the frame by frame Mr. Madden.
The only time I’ve ever used the instant replay was when my buddy, a rabidly obnoxious Patriots fan and I were playing Madden and he was spouting off at the mouth (as most Pats fans and Jets fans are known for) about how inexplicably awesome and god-like Tom Brady was.
After a few disparaging remarks about my mother and another speech about Tommy Boy being not unlike Jesus Christ in football pads, Julius Peppers came weak side and blindsided the poster boy with a bone rattling hit that bent his back in such a way that his spine actually contorted to resemble the letter C. As in, C you next year when I get the feeling in my legs back or I did not C you and now I am able to taste my spleen.
I remarked that the hit was so vicious that someone at EA would probably have to call Mr. Brady up in the middle of the night and let him know that he in fact was deceased on Madden 2007. I put such a vicious hit on him that he’d no longer be capable of functioning as a player on the game and may God have mercy on his battered soul.
Tom Brady suffered a career ending back injury that night, much to the chagrin of Brady uber alles sitting to my right. The play turned the tide of the game and nearly left my opponent in tears. In other words, it was a glorious moment for everyone in the room who was not from New England. I ended up destroying Matt Cassell’s Patriots that game and Super Fan #1 had to sit there and watch me make Gretzky’s head bleed.
And let me tell you, we saw that play from EVERY CONCIVEABLE ANGLE!
5. No phone calls with girlfriend and/or wife during the game
Unless she’s calling from:
B) the hospital
C) a bed in which she is naked with another woman
A player is not to take a call from a better half that exceeds 1 minute in length. This is not a rule, this is a law. None of your friends want to hear about your numerous relationship problems or the various reasons for your domestic squabbles (like you spend too much time playing video games with your drunken friends) while immersed in the spirit of competition.
That is why there is a one minute cap on all phone calls with only these exceptions:
- Your buddy at the store buying beer/grilling materials needs an opinion
- The hot girl from work needs directions to your apartment
- The game is in the last 2 minutes and the phone call is a bonafide emergency
- Somebody has to flip the burgers
- Your buddy at the bar is talking to the Swedish water polo team
Â Any phone call exceeding a minute in length means that the player in question must relinquish his controller to the person in closest proximity to you or the guy that screams “I’ll play for you!” You are then required to go either outside or in another room to finish whatever business you have on said phone and will not get your controller back until the group recognizes that all business has indeed been taken care of and another conversation will not again interrupt the current game.
6. Shenanigans is a privilege not a right
I swear to God I’m going to pistol whip the next person who says shenanigans!
Hey Farva, what’s that restaurant you like that has all the goofy shit on the walls and the mozzarella sticks?
You mean Shenanigans?
Shenanigans is a very touchy subject in the gaming community. Or at least it is where I come from. If you play enough Madden, you are bound to come across some of the most ridiculous and asinine plays in football history. Whether it’s some 5 foot 6 receiver making a leaping catch while fighting off 4 players in the secondary to pick up the first down, a running back bouncing off six defenders in the backfield to break a ninety yard run or folding Tom Brady’s spine like a lawn chair with Scoliosis; a player is bound to come across a play or two a game that make you question what the people at EA where thinking, but that’s no reason to get wildly upset and is rarely a reason to quit a game mid-stream.
These plays usually happen for both teams, so a player should always understand that what goes around comes around. Yeah, sometimes the play is so inconceivable that you might throw a controller to the ground or it may cause you to question your opponents moral compass, but there are only rare cases where a player can actually utter the word that holds a player and EA sports accountable for what can only be described as complete and utter bullshit.
That word is shenanigans and it is a word so full of venom and spite, that if the word is overused by a player it can actually be used on said player. That’s calling shenanigans on shenanigans and the makes you a “shenanigoat” (a person that uses shenanigans as a scapegoat. It’s a complicated system.)
The rules for shenanigans are as follows:
A) It has to be used sparingly. More than once a day is cause for suspect and more than once a game is grounds for revoking playing privileges.
B) The play in question has to either tie the score or put the game out of completely out of reach. Otherwise you’re just being a pansy.
C) If the play in question is agreed upon to be shenanigans, the person who completed the play must not bring said play up for the duration of the contest, even if it turns out to be the winning play.
No one likes to lose and even more so, no one likes to be lose by means of pure luck for their opponent. So no rubbing it in, even if a Gramtica brother somehow managed to kick a 70 yard field goal into a 10 mph wind to win a game in overtime and didn’t even sprain his ankle during the celebration.
These are just a few of the rules to keep in mind when you play your brand new copy of Madden 09 today. These rules are here for everyones benefit. We must abide by the rule, â€œHonor among men and most importantly honor among Madden. Speaking of which, happy gaming to all those people staying home from work and suffering from the mysterious 24 hour flu that’s suddenly making the rounds.